A lesson from Month #1:
I’ve spent a lifetime investing in this idea that says if I just meet the right person everything will be okay.
That I can face anything in the world so long as I have the love of the man God’s chosen for me. I’ve been shaped and molded by this fallacy so that everything I do is in efforts to get me closer to finding that right person. I’ve read all the books, seen every movie, and set my expectations to near-impossible. I’ve spent entire church services scanning the room for men without rings just so I could walk by and give them a chance to ask for my name. I should have felt like the most desperate person in the world, but nowadays, that’s what’s normal.
Almost every girl I know still thinks this way. We stress over our insecurities thinking if we just had a man to tell us we’re beautiful then we wouldn’t be so insecure. We rack up our credit cards thinking that once we get married, our husbands will bail us out. We remedy today’s wounds with the image of us on a front porch somewhere with a diamond on our fingers and a handsome man kissing our foreheads. We run ourselves into the ground thinking that marriage is going to solve all of our problems, forgetting all the while that marriage isn’t a solution, it’s a covenant.
We’ve grown older in a generation that says our spouse is going to be the answer to everything. That all our problems and the things we don’t like about ourselves go away when we find the one. Nevermind that every other relationship requires preparation, nurturing, and protection – none of that matters if you’re with the right person.
But I have been to the place where all our dreams come true. Found favor in the eyes of a man who was everything I ever wanted. I found the guy I was looking for all my life, and when the sparks were done flying, and we had spilled a fair amount of hearts-blood on the floor, he turned on his heels and walked out the door. Not because it wasn’t “meant to be”, but because I wasn’t the girl he’d been preparing for.
The girl he’d been preparing for wasn’t looking for him to fulfill every physical, emotional, and spiritual need she had. She wasn’t irresponsible with her money, she wasn’t bad at relationships, and she didn’t think her sob stories were something to hold onto to make her interesting. No, the girl he’d been preparing for wasn’t like me at all, because that girl was prepared for him.
I never said this out loud, but I guess I always thought that I’d be the right person for the right person and the rest would take care of itself. I didn’t worry about practicing love because I thought all that would come naturally. I thought I’d be good at loving someone just as flawed and broken as I am because, well, I didn’t think I was that flawed or broken. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I never ventured to the darkest depths of my heart because I didn’t have time. I was too busy looking for the right guy. I was searching the horizons when I should have been looking in a mirror.
We have to remember that there is no such thing as the right person, only the right types of people. People who understand that marriage isn’t about personal fulfillment – it’s not a state of being it’s a mission. It is two people endeavoring for the rest of always to make the other look more like Jesus. It’s not about us, it’s about them. It’s not a solution, it’s a vehicle.
Marriage doesn’t fix us, it only reveals us.